For supporters

Supporting someone

You were added to someone's circle because they trust you. That is the qualification. Nothing here asks you to be a counselor.

The basics

This part applies no matter what your person is dealing with. If you only read one page here, make it this one.

• You don't have to say the right thing — There's no perfect sentence, and looking for one is why most people end up saying nothing at all. Showing up and staying is what counts. "I don't know what to say, but I'm not leaving" is enough.
• Listen longer than feels comfortable — Most advice gets offered because the silence feels awkward, not because anyone asked for it. Let them finish, then wait a few seconds longer than feels normal. That's often when the real thing comes out.
• Don't rush to solve it — Trying to fix a feeling suggests it shouldn't be there. Naming it does the opposite — "that sounds exhausting" tells them you can hear it. If you're not sure what they want, ask: "do you want help with this, or do you just want me to listen?"
• Ask straight out if you're worried about suicide — Ask plainly: "are you thinking about killing yourself?" Softer wording gets you a softer answer. Asking does not put the idea in their head — that's been studied many times, in teenagers and adults, and it doesn't happen. Most people feel relieved to be asked.^{1, 2, 3}
• Don't promise a secret you might not be able to keep — "I won't tell anyone" is a promise you may have to break at the worst possible moment. Say this instead, early: "I'll keep this between us unless I think you're not safe — then I'll need to get help." Said up front it sounds like care. Said afterwards it sounds like betrayal.
• Check back a few days later — The week after matters as much as the night itself. A short message with nothing attached — "thinking of you, no need to reply" — shows the first talk wasn't a one-off. Most people expect the attention to fade, because it usually does.
• You can't fix this, and that's not your failure — You didn't cause it and you don't get to decide when it lifts. Someone can have a good life around them and still be unwell. If they relapse, or go quiet for a month, that isn't a score on how well you loved them.
• Look after yourself, or you won't last — This is a long job, and people who ignore their own limits tend to disappear all at once rather than slowly. Limits aren't abandonment. "I can't talk after eleven, but I'll call you first thing" keeps you in someone's life for years instead of months.

If you want to read further

Pick the one that fits. Each page covers what tends to help, what tends to backfire, and some questions that are easier to ask than to invent on the spot.

Sources

1. Does asking about suicide and related behaviors induce suicidal ideation? What is the evidence? — Psychological Medicine, 2014
2. The benefits and risks of asking research participants about suicide: a meta-analysis — Clinical Psychology Review, 2018
3. What's the harm in asking? A systematic review and meta-analysis on the risks of asking about suicide-related behaviors — Archives of Suicide Research, 2022